Overwhelmed

The following are not my words, but a recent letter from friends who are both missionaries and counselors.  I am reprinting here with permission and hope you find the words as helpful and healing as I have… 

This was lining up to be a summer of steady work—you know where you are hoping to get some of those longstanding projects checked off the list. It took a turn somewhere and it began to rain that word—overwhelmed. It was raining down in many places in many peoples lives. From crises, to loss, to conflict, to critical decisions—it seemed everywhere people were overwhelmed with life and with responding to the needs in others’ lives.

I don't think I have really ever known what to do with that word. It has seemed to be an embarrassing word to admit personally—one that somehow marks me as deficient or lacking.

That is probably why the words from Mark 14 in a recent sermon struck me so hard. Listen to Jesus’ words as he faces the most difficult of circumstances:

33 He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled.

It dumbfounded me that I had read it before but never really made the connection—Jesus was overwhelmed. He was not lacking and he wasn't sinning. He was at the end though and felt like he couldn't go on.

When we are emotionally flooded—distressed, overwhelmed, angered—our brain wants to move into fight or flight mode. Reading on we see Peter tried both, both ending in disaster. Our minds in this state are prompted for immediate action, but rarely is it a good action. It is action that at its core is about self-preservation.

Jesus took another route; one that can provide a path for us as well. We watch Him admitting his state, inviting others into the process with him and then choosing to calm his mind and spirit in prayer and surrender before acting.

34 “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” 35 Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 36 “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

Honest admission—courageous surrender.

I see the fruit often of fight or flight in my own life as well as the lives of the leaders we work with. Escape, numbing, violence of words and actions all seem to flow from this place of being overwhelmed.

Choosing to yield when we are overwhelmed seems to bring peace that contradicts or surpass all that is going on.

"Be still and know that I am God” Ps. 46:10

This attitude has never seemed more real or important. In the midst of being overwhelmed to breathe deeply, focus over and over again on who He is, to desperately cry out and admit my need for Him and others and to wait.

We are so grateful that so many of you pray for us and take the time to keep watch with us. We are ever in need of you—to keep from flight or fight and to press on and in. Thank you!

Brian and Crystal Boecker

You can reach Brian via email at:  

Brian.boecker@uscm.org

&/or make financial contributions to their ministry online at:

https://give.ccci.org/give
Brian and Crystal Boecker
Acct. # 0389338

Suffering and Hope

Life continues to be a strange dichotomy of pain and joy, suffering and hope.  The current public examples are found with the movie theater shooting in Aurora and the London Olympics.  I love the hope and individual achievement of the Olympics and while ABC Sports made “the agony of defeat” a famous slogan, we all know that none of the extraordinary athletes competing at the Olympics are really losers.  I’m inspired by watching most every event.  The Aurora shooting on the other hand has been almost more than I can bear.  There have been times where I’ve been somehow interested in the news of public tragedy.  I’m not sure of the internal drivers for such whether voyeuristic curiosity or heartfelt desire to understand and somehow help.  This time, I just wanted to stay away knowing in that I just wasn’t in a place to move into that kind of hurt if I didn’t have to.  Sounds selfish as I type it, but I’m not surprised as God uses more and more of life to reveal selfishness I didn’t know I had.
  

My hope and desire for healing was also recently turned on its head, revealing something not so wonderful.  A couple weeks ago a believer challenged me with these words; “For many years I've been confused at the seeming paradox of Christians with health issues wanting to get healed so more time can be spent in this life.”  And “why are "we" so intent on finding a way to spend more time in this flawed sinful world?!?!”  Good question and I think the answer is that many of us are trying to create our own little “heaven on earth” rather than seeking and desiring God’s kingdom.  I must admit that I want to be healthy; I want to be comfortable, I want to “store up” resources to try to insulate myself and those I love from need and from pain.  Oh Father, forgive me…  as I know the very core of these desires is the homing beacon you’ve put inside of me, a desire for you and your kingdom, but I’m so quick to work toward fleeting counterfeits. 

Three weeks ago I was pouting about having to live the next year waiting and continuing to be dependent on God to keep my tumor in check.  How foolish and selfish of me.  Since then God has reminded me that I am daily dependent and that it’s not about my comfort here on earth. This time God used our pastor to remind me.  Reading from Luke 9:23-25, Jesus said “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?”  Deny myself and pick up my cross.  We all have our own cross to bear and crosses are about suffering.  Why did Jesus deny himself and carry his cross?  At least some of the reasons include the knowledge that God is in control, God is good and that hope would be assured for all of us.     

Since then I’ve been reminded about many of the realities and references of day to day living.  Moment by moment we’re dependent on the beating of our lungs and heart, each day we need food, water, sleep, to clean and be cleaned.  I’m not sure what is worse, that we take these for granted or willfully choose to forget our dependence.  Of course these are obvious physical needs, but I believe they are also reflections of the spiritual; our daily need for spiritual food, rest and cleansing.  Thankfully, the Bible is so full of reminders and encouragements to trust in God daily including Exodus 16 (Manna) and Matthew 6 (Lord’s Prayer, rust and birds of the air). 

With all that’s going on, I’m more and more convinced that both the Kingdom of God is near and that we need to be more like Jesus; deny ourselves, bear our individual suffering and share the hope of God with others.  It’s a tall order for life, but thankfully we’re only called to do so today.   Just today… with God’s help we can endure some suffering and offer hope today (and thankfully we don't even need to worry about tomorrow (Matt 6:34)).        

Expected Surprise

Tuesday July 3^rd was a busy day with birthdays, errands and lots of work around the house.  It was Tirza’s 6^th and my Father’s 78^th birthday.  My parents had come into town for some joint celebration and to also help us as we shifted around the kid’s bedroom furniture, sorted and redecorated.  With this summer’s round of birthdays, (Darbi 10 and Riker 14), it seemed appropriate that all the kids room décor saw changes that were more in line with their own growth since we firm moved in 4 years ago.  Riker got a queen sized bed from Ikea and out went the bunk beds and little boy sports theme.  Darbi was thrilled to take the bunk with its built in side desk and associated storage.  Some teal and lime green bedding make it just right for a creative young lady that is a year away from middle school.  And Tirza, the birthday girl, was bequeathed Darbi’s frilly canopy bed.  With kids, changes and growth are so obvious, but all this makes me wonder how I’ve matured and changed over recent years and what observable manifestations should go along with it (1 Corinthians 13:11).  But, I digress… 

My expected surprise came as a phone call while we were driving from Tirza’s annual birthday photo at the JCPenney’s.  I didn’t recognize the number, but answered my cell phone to hear the voice of my doctor.  Of course, I’ve been expecting his call for a couple weeks.  He confirmed my own comparative analysis that the tumor had not changed.  He agreed with my thought that there is no compelling reason to take any medical action at this time and that the best approach is to just monitor the tumor, to watch and wait.  I asked the doctor if I should go ahead and schedule another appointment and MRI in 6 months and was pleasantly surprised when he said “make it a year”.  We exchanged pleasantries and I hung up.  Good hearing, no tumor growth, no need to do anything for a year.  Given my glimpse, this news was both expected and a grand surprise.     

After 6 months of wondering and bracing for the short term potential of radiation and hearing loss, I’ve found myself embarrassed on a couple levels.  The first is that I’ve made this so public and in the end there isn’t much here.  I feel a little like The Boy Who Cried Wolf or perhaps Roseanne Roseannadanna and her famous “Never mind…”  What was a big deal to me hasn’t become much and I’ve wasted people’s time and energy.  I suspect that kind of energy that “it’s not important enough” keeps many people from sharing their stories.  I know that train of thought is very human, but nonetheless real. 

Beyond the humanistic notion “that circumstances just worked out,” my next thought is that God has worked all these things together for good.  My embarrassment in this is that it wasn’t my first thought and probably hasn't been my primary expectation.  As I’ve stated many times, I believe “God can”, but I’ve carefully guarded my heart for the expectation that “He might not” and maybe even at times that “He probably won’t”.  It’s been a big lesson in expectations; human vs. supernatural.  Where was/is my faith?  This outcome of monitoring the tumor longer term isn’t necessarily my dream in terms of a specific “name it and claim it” outcome, but it is certainly a welcome surprise relative to my human “worst case” expectation.  Clearly, with God, we should expect wonderful surprises.   

Do I stop blogging now?  I suppose in terms of my acoustic neuroma, the answer is “tune in this time next year”, but otherwise I do plan to blog about whatever new opportunities to be faithfully expectant of surprises through the love of Christ & fullness of life.   

A Glimpse

Sorry for the delay in writing, I’ve been waiting to hear from my doctor to give you “official results”.  I did have my MRI last Monday morning, and while I haven’t heard from my doctor yet, I do have a glimpse of the results that I can share. 

For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure, MRI’s are noisy, but a piece of cake.  After the standard pre-appointment paperwork, proof of insurance and co-pay, I changed into some glorious scrub pants and a hospital gown.  A kind MRI technician got me comfortable on the sliding table and gave me a painless IV in prep for the “contrast images” toward the end of the MRI.   With ear plugs in place, the automated table slid me back into the hole of the giant donut. A carefully placed mirror allowed me to see both my sock feet and the technician in the adjacent room.  “You comfortable?” she asked over the intercom.  “This first set of images will be about 3 minutes.”  My first MRI lacked this type of play-by-play commentary and with such I did sort of lose track of time as the machine takes about 45 minutes to run through a series of  hums, clicks and knocks.  With about 10-15 minutes to go, the technician came in to inject the fluid “contrast” through the IV.  Some people note almost an immediate metallic taste in their mouth with the contrast, but I lack that particular genetic sequence and sense nothing.  A few more minutes of clanks and clicks and I was sent back to change into my street clothes. 

I dressed and had to go to medical records to request a compact disk of my MRI results.  “I can give you a CD, but they won’t include the radiologist report until for another day or two”.  “I understand, but would still like to have my images, thank you.” 

I, of course, have my images from January so knew that as soon as I could get to my computer, could do my own comparative review.  So what did I find?  I couldn’t find any difference in the tumor.  The new images seemed to be exactly like the previous images.  These tumors typically grow 1-2 mm per year, some more, some less.  I know the doctor will measure precisely and I’m quite curious to hear his report, but from my standpoint the tumor hasn’t changed.  That combine with the results from my hearing test are both wonderful news.  Not apparent growth and normal hearing – truly answers to prayer. 

I must admit, I was hoping that the tumor would be altogether gone – which would have clearly been a miracle healing.  As I’ve previously stated, I know such things happen – God is God after all and what a simple thing for him.  That said, I’m also convinced that no tumor growth and normal hearing are also clearly in the category of God’s work.  As I consider the difference between the tumor being gone and the tumor being stopped, God is no less with either.  The difference is my response, having a tumor leaves me the reminder that I am dependent on God’s on-going work in my life.  It’s true anyway, but we all too often take each breath and each beat of our heart for granted.  The tumor is one more reminder of need and dependence.  I want to be totally healed and totally comfortable, but know that with or without this tumor, it’s not going to happen this side of glory.  For now, we just get glimpses.  Both the glimpses of delight and joy and new or recurring troubles serve the same purpose, reminders that we’re not home yet. 

Gratitude

How am I doing?  What’s going on?

As many of you know, today was my follow-up doctor appointment.  I wasn’t able to get the MRI done today so didn’t get the real scoop on the tumor status, but I am scheduled for an MRI next Monday (6/18) and should hear results within a couple days.  Instead of an MRI, today’s appointment included interaction with the specialist and a new hearing test.  The specialist seemed pleasantly surprised that my symptoms had not changed since my original diagnosis.  He also reported that there was the potential that I could maintain “functional hearing” in my right ear, and while they didn’t really understand all the factors that influenced the result that the patient’s initial hearing strength was a more significant indicator than tumor size.  This was new information and certainly encouraging.   

Following the hearing test, the audiologist reported that while my right hear was slightly worse than my left, my hearing was within normal parameters for my age.  She asked about my symptoms and how I was originally diagnosed.  My only symptom was, and continues to be a slight pressure and slight hearing loss in my right ear.  The audiologist expressed her surprise that an MRI had originally been ordered and that it was very fortunate that it had been and that the acoustic neuroma had been caught so early.

I could complain about having to drive 45 minutes to this specialist, having to wait 20 minutes past my scheduled appointment time to get into the exam room, waiting another 10 minutes for the doctor to come and having to pay a $35 co-pay for a 7 minute interaction, BUT, I am grateful.  I am grateful to have access to health care that both found this relatively rare condition and offers options for dealing with it. 

Grateful is also the word I’d use to describe all the prayers and encouragement offered by friends and family.  Thanks to my brother-in-law and wife for spearheading and coordinating today’s day of prayer.  It’s humbling knowing that people are praying.  I certainly don’t feel worthy of the special attention and it’s hard to admit and ask for help.  Taya used SignUpGenius to organize today’s prayer and it brought another level of humbling gratitude.  There were expected friends and family, but there were also people that I haven’t interacted with in years and years – “a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith.”  I’m grateful that Christ binds us together, regardless of the various circumstances and paths that separate.   

So, how am I doing?  Regardless of the outcome of next week’s MRI, I am encouraged and grateful. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.       Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT)

Fishing

Some 17 years ago my father took me and my brother-in-law on a fishing trip to Sitka Alaska.  Except for some Colorado skiing, our family wasn’t outdoorsy, but my dad’s cousin has a charter boat there (www.sitkasecret.com) so we had some sense of security to go along with the adventure.  Except for getting sea sick my first day out on the water, my memories are fond as we caught fish and saw sights that just aren’t available in the burbs. 

A lot has changed in the last 17 years with kids and career, and in that time we had frequently talked about getting back Alaska to fish again.  This past week it finally made it happen, this time with my father and my son.  The timing seemed right as we anticipate Riker getting busy as he’ll be starting high school and summer football practice starting in a week.  Dad will turn 78 this summer and remains active and in good health, but as they say, none of us are getting any younger. 

The trip was great.  Sitka was largely how I remembered it.  The weather was decent and none of us got seasick!  There have been overall declines in the fish population resulting in tighter restrictions, but our 3 days on the boat still resulted in us catching our limit and ample quantity of salmon, halibut and rock fish.  With the catching, there was also “the waiting”…  On the last afternoon we had about a 3 ½ hour drought between fish.  You never know when fish will bite so you have to be diligent in watching for that certain jiggle in tip of the rod, and when it does, you have to act to be sure to set the hook.  The analogy was obvious, you never know when an opportunity might come and you do need to be intentional with what you’re looking for, where you’re likely to find it and what will raise the odds of attraction.  Even with all the right planning, you still have to stay diligent, expectant and hopeful.  What am I “fishing for”?  Am I doing my part or am I just feeling sorry for myself that fish haven’t just jumped into my boat?

The trip also brought a number of whale sightings, some at a distance and one that surfaced only 50 or so yards from the boat.  I was reminded of Jonah.  Of course we all know the childhood story where Jonah spends 3 days in the belly of a whale, but I really enjoyed reading the 4 short chapters of Jonah as am adult.  (I like the New Living Translation, a straight forward translation without the “thee’s and thou’s”.)  Jonah is a fascinating story.  First that God wanted Jonah to do something. God is God and can do anything, but somehow interacts with humanity where we play a role.  For whatever reasons, Jonah runs… he seeks to escape his calling, role and responsibility.  What’s great about the story is that God goes fishing… God pursues Jonah, He brings storms and involves others in his life that eventually lead Jonah to understand the err of his way.  He ultimately cries out to God.  That’s where we read the wonderful words that “The Lord had arranged for a great fish to swallow Jonah.”  Following, Jonah does fulfill God’s will for him, but has his own expectations about the outcome and ends up pouting that God’s did something different.  I thought the great fish was the miracle, but was pleasantly surprised to see that the later chapters included two other references to “the Lord arranging” other things to gain Jonah’s understanding and relationship. 

Wow, the Lord fishing for us, arranging things for our understanding, relationship and role in this world.           

Continuation

This past Friday was the 8^th grade awards ceremony and this coming Thursday is “Continuation”.    

Parents are notified in advance that their child will be recognized with an award, but for some reason, we are not told what the award will be.  The event is during regular business hours so some special effort is required for some parents to attend.  Parents sat in the bleachers while the entire 8^th grade class sat in folding chairs on the gym floor listening for their name from one of the teachers to recognize their special achievement or activities.  Not every student was recognized, but as expected, certain high achievers that got to walk multiple times for various certificates.  I was struck by the variety of academics, activities and achievements at the middle school level.  The final and most coveted award at Goddard Middle, at least for us hopeful parents, is for “Viking of the Year” which goes to just one boy and one girl who displayed extraordinary character and contribution.  I was sitting close to the parents of the girl who won Viking of the Year - their joy and pride was both understandable and palpable.  As we walked to our cars, some of the parents of the students who had received lessor certificates wondered if it was worth the time and effort.    

Continuation is this Thursday to commemorate that Riker and his classmates have finished middle school and will be in high school in a few months.  I have to admit I’ve been a little less than excited about the idea of continuation ceremonies.  While they certainly mark something, they aren’t a graduation which clearly marks the completion and achievement of something.  When did these continuation ceremonies start anyway?  I don’t think they happened when I was in primary school, but if they did, they weren’t meaningful enough for me to remember.  Even so, we want to be supportive so we will endeavor to subdue our cynicism and attend.    

As I’ve considered these events and the feelings about them, it seems much of my opinion is driven by my busyness – not so much whether these events are good or valuable by themselves, but relative to all of the other things on my “to do” list.  Ironically, I’ve come to the conclusion that these two events are just the kind of thing that is too often missing from my own life.  Both the awards and continuation ceremonies are opportunities to pause, just for a moment and look back and forward.  They recognize achievements and involvement but also indirectly highlight missed one’s missed opportunities.  It made me think that “working adults” could use some more ceremony where we honestly evaluate where we’ve been and where we’re going.  I suppose some of us do it a little around New Year’s or our birthdays, but I think there really is something to structure and formality.  Life is always a “continuation” and never really a “graduation”.  Riker has just finished high school registration and full of hope and excitement as he gets to choose his classes and extracurricular activities. 

Yes, the school context and structure makes this easier to do for a student, but I think we’d all benefit from jumping off our hamster wheels a little more frequently to take account of our progress and “register” for some activities that are more in line with where and who God wants us to be.  One last thought, sometimes God just knocks the hamster wheel over.   Blessings to you and yours!  

BTW, Happy Mother's Day Mom!  (I figure you might be the only one reading this...  <grin>)     

Uncertainties

I’ve recently been preparing for our upcoming quarterly office meeting. Like most companies, our typical agenda involves general updates on the state of the firm and the status of various initiatives and projects. As I prep for this next meeting, there seems to be a growing undercurrent of anxiety in the office regarding our future workload. Every design and construction company has the same challenge of continuing to find and win new work as current contracted work ends. The graph of how the efforts of current contracts end over time is often referred to as the “going out of business curve”. Unfortunately the recession has turned this figurative statement into something all too literal for many in our industry. Our firm is in a good position, but there is always a level of uncertainty about the future. My hope for the coming office meeting is to combat the negative and counterproductive speculation with accurate information that focuses us on doing what could and should be doing and rather than worring about the things out of our control.

Of course there are no shortages of other topics that have a similar sort of uncertainty. The economy (national and international), the upcoming election, the growing deficit, poverty, natural disasters, terrorism, the environment, health/disease, our family members and our interpersonal relationships are all topics fraught with uncertainties. I think it is important to be aware of uncertainties as they can fuel wise action, but we have to guard against being consumed by them.

If we don’t acknowledge the uncertainty and fragility of things, our “certainty” can become a huge risk and blind spot. Do you remember all the publicity around the predicted Second Coming of Christ about this time last year? While I would have welcomed it to be true, I didn’t subscribe to May 21, 2011 being the date (Matt 24:36). Even so, I was intrigued with the reports of what those who did believe the certainty of the dates and what they had done in approach of “the end”. I read of one man who quit his job and took on debt to take his family to see the Grand Canyon. Another used his life savings to rent billboards to warn and encourage repentance. As I considered the stories I had an awkward mix of pride and humility. I was glad that I had not been so foolish but at the same time questioned if I was living with intention and conviction. Was I making time to spend quality time with those I love while I have the time? Did my checkbook reflect my beliefs? What’s the balance of living like there might not be a tomorrow (since there might not) with wise preparation for the future?

Jesus focused on these questions about the future, uncertainties and how we should live in chapter 24 & 25 of Matthew. I’d encourage you to read it, but my summary of what Jesus is saying to us is; “Don’t panic, endure and pray. Know that you’ve been entrusted with important relationships and resources. Be willing and able to accept the responsibility to manage, invest and feed rather than assuming someone else should & will do it. Be ready and prepared for different possibilities and potentials. Focus on helping those in real need, rather than focusing on yourself and your own little world.”

I’ve got a long way to move these words into action, but I’m more and more convinced that all our uncertainties are a call to trust God first, act faithfully to help others second and worry about ourselves last.

Good and Simple

I was recently talking to a friend about how his eldest son would soon be graduating and heading off to college.  He said how he wished he had more time to spend with his son.  His desire did not seem to be about regret as he spoke fondly of the time and activities they had spent together, nor was it about the need for more time to parent/train/educate his son for “the real world” - the energy was a simple desire for more relationship.  He talked with pride about how his son had made pretty good choices and seemed to be as interested in hanging around him and the rest of family as his high school friends. 

What he expressed was wonderful, but was also unfortunately odd to me as it seems a majority of teenage kids aren’t that interested in spending time with their parents (and visa versa).  While most might “love each other”, I suspect a combination of different schedules, agendas and interests lead them to indifference and ultimately some level of rebellion as the kid &/or parent are more interested in doing their own thing than working to nurture relationship.   

My friend also mentioned that as parents they intentionally reinforced a simple Gospel message to his kids; “that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  He went on to say that we Christians (and churches and parents) are quick to complicate the Gospel with all kinds of rules that turn people off and drive them away.  The Gospel means “good news” that should bring true joy and freedom, but it is too often reinforced as layers of do’s and don’ts that bring judgment and guilt.    

I know the first part of my friend’s simple Gospel statement to be true, but I’ve struggled a bit with the second.  Does God want me to be happy?  I would agree that he wants what’s best for me and also that I be joyful, but happy?  I suppose I might be nitpicking semantics a bit, but have ultimately reconciled the statement by thinking about my own kids.  I certainly want them to be happy, but I don’t always support their own expressed convictions about what they think they want or need to be happy.  I want the best for them and at times will let them be “unhappy” about something for both their own good and the good of those they will interact with in the future.  No one likes a narcissistic brat, no matter what age. 

My friends comments are challenging to me as a father and as an adopted son of God.  How simple is the Gospel and what do I believe?  How do I parent?  Riker starts high school in a few months and I know those years will pass quickly.  Does he know of my love and desire for more time and depth of relationship?  Does he know I want the very best for him?  Does he know that he has freedom to make good choices and that I want him to reap the benefits from the good rather than the difficult consequences of the bad?  Does he know I’ll always love and forgive him no matter what?  Does he know the extents that I’ll go for him – both to bless him and when needed discipline him for his own good?  Does he know the same of his Heavenly Father?  Do I?  If we really knew and believed it, what all would be different? 

The truth is that I know, but that I'm quick to forget and need reminders.  I got another today as Taya and I helped in Tirza’s Sunday School class.  The story was of Jesus having dinner with Mary and Martha and how Martha missed the opportunity for relationship because she was busy and distracted (Luke 10:38-42).  The message for the kids was “Jesus wants to be your friend” – another good reminder and candidate for a good and simple statement of the Gospel. 

Stories of Healing

Since my diagnosis there are a few specific passages that have emerged in my questions about what God wants for me and from me.  As you might expect, they relate to the topic of healing.  While I’d love to just “claim God's promise of health (and wealth),” I just don’t find it in the Bible to claim.

The poster child example against health and wealth for me is found in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul speaks of his requests that God heal his “thorn in the flesh.”  God’s repeated answer to Paul was “No, my grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness”. 

Even with this truth, I’ve been challenged by the passage.  It indicates Paul made 3 specific requests.  Why 3 and why not something like “prayed about it every day for a year?” I sense the answer has something to do with honestly and earnestly making the request in light of a connection with our full need and God’s full power.  I think I’ve let myself be in that place just a handful of times in my life with the first and foremost when I humbled myself to accepted Jesus death and resurrection to forgive my sins.  That place of raw need and dependence is scary.  For my tumor so far, I think I’ve been quick to concede the situation to “God’s will” as it has some sense of “spiritual maturity” and doesn’t require much depth or feeling from me. 

While God told Paul “no” after 3 earnest requests, Mark 5:24-34 tells the story of a woman who suffered and sought solutions from doctors for some 12 years before being healed by quietly touching the hem of Jesus robe as he passed by.  How many times had she prayed?  In the end, it seems it wasn’t about words, it was that she put her belief that “Jesus can” into action by quietly drawing near to him.

Another story I’ve been thinking about is found in Matthew 8:5-8 where a Roman soldier comes to Jesus on behalf of a servant who was “paralyzed and suffering terribly”.  The Bible says that Jesus was amazed by his faith and that the servant was healed that same hour.  I love this story because it’s not about the servants faith, it’s about “faith on behalf of”.  The Bible talks about the gift of faith and while I am a believer, am not sure how strong my faith is.  This story is a great encouragement for me – both my situation and as an encouragement to continue to pray for others as well. 

With Easter tomorrow, it’s only appropriate to point out the ultimate story and promise of healing.  Just today I happened to read 2 Corinthians 4:14-5:10 which tells of our sharing in the resurrection and our new bodies.  It starts with “We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.”   (Click to read on…)

Spring Break

No blog last week as the family got away for spring break.  It was my first trip where I left my smart phone at home and disconnected technologically - a great decision.  You might know the saying that “vacation with kids isn’t vacation, just life somewhere else”, but this one was especially enjoyable and provided some good perspective on things. 

Thanks again for the many thoughts, words and prayers.  I’m often asked how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.  My only physical sensation is a very slight pressure in my right ear like I have a little water in there after a shower or swimming, but it’s so slight that I often forget about it.  My mental and emotional “sensation” is pretty calm and peaceful about the whole thing.  I am thankful that it is relatively minor compared to many other diagnosis and that it is not especially urgent.  At this point, I plan to get another MRI done in June.  I’ve got a business trip in April and a fishing trip with my father and my son in May and don't want to do anything medical until those are past. 

I think the medical waiting has been good for now as I continue to wrestle with God’s interaction in this world on the macro and micro scales, and what the related faithful response looks like day to day & moment to moment.  Spring break has brought some fresh perspective on these.  

We got to spend some time on the beach and the waves and sands are a blessed reminder of God’s consistency, power and mystery - things to be both reverenced and enjoyed. 

Back in Colorado we’ve also enjoyed warm weather and early signs of spring.  I’ve been reminded of the well-known verses in Ecclesiastes 3, “for everything these is a season…” And those verses are much easier to digest with the hope of spring as new life is quite evident in blooming trees and flowers.   The weather has also allowed for our early yard work including the needed trimming and clean-up.  Taya did the lion share of pruning back the rose bushes this year while I took the electric trimmers to some overgrown shrubs.  We cut away the dead, damaged and overgrown to make way for the new.  While we don’t have any grapevines, it’s still an applicable reference to John 15 where Jesus speaks of being the vine and we being the branches.  God is the loving gardener.  It’s a bitter sweet reference of course. 

What does this season bring and what should we do?  I love the word picture and clues given in John 15 – abide in Christ’s love, be filled with joy and love each other.  Have a blessed spring!        

Star Trek

I love Star Trek.  I appreciate the adventure, the clean modern aesthetic, the effortless technology, the battles - whether fist or phaser and, of course the occasional romance.  Being St. Patrick’s Day, I can’t go on without also mentioning the dancing green-skinned alien…  which is a perfect segue to my beautiful wife.  I must admit that Taya is the true “Trekkie” of the family and that my appreciation has grown over time by association.  While our basement boasts a couple cardboard cut-outs of the show’s characters and a few shelves of various Trek paraphernalia, our biggest public testimony of affection is found in our son’s first name, Riker.  I figured his peers would not likely know the reference and he would be spared that brand of harassment and Taya and I were willing to accept any such from our peers as a sort of Klingon badge of honor.

Like most things, our active commitment varies with the exposure to the material.  While still appreciated, the original series grew tired as each episode was rerun and rerun.  The Next Generation series brought a number of questions to us Trekkies;  was it authentic?  Were you “cheating on” the original series by watching the new? Could a true Trekkie enjoy both and would this divide “the faithful”?  While it took some time to work through these issues and get to know the new characters, my answer to these questions was an acceptance of the new series and subsequent movies because they supported the key fundamentals that fed my delight. 

What does this have to do with a tumor?  Nothing and everything I suppose.  While everyone loves a good story or movie to escape and distract for a time, I’m especially attracted to Star Trek because it shows a fulfillment of some very attractive ideas.  Through technology, wit and a little physical strength, everything can be neatly solved in either a 60 minute episode or a most a 2 hour movie.  There are no mysteries that can’t be solved and there is little dependence on anything outside of one’s control.  I love all of those ideas, but they are sadly far from the truth.  While Star Trek boasts that through human effort we will have a future of greater independence and freedom, my experience is pointing to just the opposite.  Human effort does some good, but plenty of bad as well and that I am largely dependent on things out of my control.  It’s not comfortable to admit, but I have to look no farther than the beating of my heart and each breath I take – humbly dependent in this world. 

I do love technology, wit and strength, but trying to learn to shift my trust and acknowledge some greater powers.  “Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.”       

Tests

Tests reveal both what you’ve got and what you’re lacking.  

I’ve always been pretty good at test taking, well at least the formal ones I see coming in advance.  My motivation and fuel for performance is some blend of showing that “I’ve got what it takes” and avoiding the various consequences of poor results.  Both categories are full of social reinforcements… i.e. "what would others think?"  While I naïvely assumed and hoped that most of life’s tests would end with graduation,  I know that they have just switched from the formal scheduled ones to those that sneak up on you when you least expect it. 

These “pop life tests” are so much less clear in content, duration and potential consequence, but often so much more important than the academic variety.  While the specifics and timing vary by individual, I think the categories of life’s tests seem fairly universal; academic, relational, financial, health, etc, etc.  What’s even trickier is life’s tests aren’t always hardship, they also sneak up on us in blessings.  My marriage and children are such examples for me.  And the tests just seem to keep coming, you get through something and here’s something new.  Being “middle aged”, you’d think I’d know to not be surprised, but I still am. 

A few weeks ago our pastor talked about when Satan tested Jesus (Luke 4:1-15).  Not even God's own son avoided tests, trials and temptations.  I’m sure you know the story, but I wanted to share how this passage has informed and challenged my “tumor test” thinking.  Perhaps there is something here for your current test as well.

Test #1 – temptation to “gain relief” as quickly as possible & in our own power (verses 2-4).  Jesus was hungry and certainly had the power and perhaps even “the right” to turn a stone to bread, but instead deferred the immediate physical gratification to acknowledge a deeper spiritual reality.  I must admit that my first response to learning of my tumor was to “act now and think / feel later”.  I wanted to "fix it" and "kill it" asap, without much consideration of the costs.  The complexity of the situation obviously slowed me down a bit and that in turn has given me this opportunity to consider how many other things in my life I address the exact same way.  Deferring relief, feeling and pondering aren’t my strong suits, but there is something to be gained by slowing down to more vulnerably consider options, opportunities and consequences.   

Test #2 – temptation to not trust God (verses 5-8).  Satan offers Jesus “glory and authority” over the kingdoms of the earth if Jesus would honor and “trust in him”.  Revelation makes it clear that Jesus will ultimately have all glory and authority on earth, but Satan’s lure is that this could be had “right away” and thus avoid reliance on the Father, the pain and suffering of the cross and waiting for God’s perfect timing.  For me, Satan isn’t so blatant that I should “trust in him”, but I must admit I am quick to want to trust in modern medicine and modern technology to “solve my problem”.  I believe that God can and does use such to heal, but the core question still remained, what (who) am I really putting my primary trust and hope into in this situation? 

Test #3 – temptation of testing God (verses 9-12).  This is a big one and interesting that it follows the test to trust God.  Satan uses scriptural truth to encourage Jesus to force God to show and prove himself.  While I don’t expect many people have been tempted to jump off some high place to have God prove himself by saving them, I do know we’re all tempted to somehow test God.  “God if you’re real and really all powerful and all loving, then do this or do that.”  For me, I know God acts in this world and also believe he heals.  I can point to scripture and people where he has healed.  While he can, he doesn’t always – at least not in the way we might expect or desire.  God is God, and while he has and does go to great lengths to show his love for me (us), he doesn’t need to prove himself and I should not put him to the test for such either privately or publically.  I am reminded of my children; I don't have to prove my power or love for them by giving them something.  I love them regardless and sometimes that love is manifest in giving and sometimes the loving thing is saying no or not now.            

Through all the various tests, both personal and the ones we see in the Bible, I find a consistent lesson; they exist to encourage me to turn my heart to God in humble dependence and in praise.  Unfortunately, I’m a slow learner and my first response too often falls short (very short).  Even when I think I learn, I quickly forget.  Thank God for his forgiveness, grace and patience.

(BTW, thanks for everyone’s encouragement and prayers.  I’ve also been asked about updates – my intent is to post new entries on the weekends.  I’ve also added a “gadget” that by putting in your address, you’ll get an email anytime I have a new posting so you don’t have to keep checking.  All the best to you and yours.)

Out there

Why is Patrick blogging?  In short, I’m wrestling with something and have been impressed that I should share my concerns and considerations more broadly.  I have mixed aspirations for this blog; to inform on what’s going on, to request your advice and prayers and, lastly, to hopefully provide some level of encouragement to the various trials we all face.

This story started around Thanksgiving when I sensed a cold coming on.  Weeks later I thought the cold had settled into my right ear as an infection and the day after Christmas I went to my doctor.  He didn’t see anything and 4 days later I saw an ENT doc.  My hearing test indicated some loss in the lower ranges and the ENT doctor thought it was likely the result of an infection that had since cleared, but as a precaution sent me for an MRI.  2 weeks later I learned the good news that I do, in fact, have a brain (surprised?) and the bad news that I also have a benign tumor in my inner ear.  That ENT informed me that the complication was in its location being close to the brain and that I’d need to see a specialist that was a cross between an ENT and neurologist. 

I would have to wait one month for that appointment and during that time I didn’t want to share with anyone.  I needed more information, I needed to process.  It was (is) a strange combination of sorrow, lack of control and embarrassment, but whatever this new problem was certainly personal… private. 

Taya (my wonderful wife) and I met with the specialist on February 13^th. We learned that that I have a small acoustic neuroma (about 1.3 cm).  A good short explanation with pictures showing a small, medium and large tumor can be found at http://anausa.org/index.php/what-is-acoustic-neuroma.  If left alone it will grow, take my hearing and begin to impact my balance and my facial nerve.  The good news is that it’s definitely benign and that I have some choices.  The bad news is that all the medical choices involve losing the hearing in my right ear sooner or later.  While losing hearing in one ear obviously isn’t the end of the world, the doctor did say that with just one ear you lose the ability to sort sounds between what is close and what is farther away so it’s harder to discern a close conversation in a noisy environment.  (Taya teases me that I only hear half of what she says anyway, so as long as she’s on my left will there be any difference or do I now have a medical excuse for selective listening?)   

In short, there are 3 medical options; monitor (aka wait), operate or radiate.  Surgery would remove the tumor, but because of the tumor location I would lose my hearing right away and the specialist said I would feel like I was “hit by a truck” because my balance would be so impacted that I should expect 2-3 months of recovery.  There are also the various risks of an involved surgery including anesthesia, infection, facial nerve paralysis, CFS leakage, etc., etc.  Targeted radiation is a quick non-evasive procedure without special recovery.  The radiation would cause the tumor to develop scar tissue over a number of months and it would stop growing.  Since the blood supply to my ear travels in the same location as the tumor, it too would scar and I would lose hearing.  Apart from hearing loss and leaving a “rock in my head”, the long term risks of radiation risks are less clear but involve the remote potential of triggering a cancerous tumor.  The advantage of monitoring the tumor is to potentially prolong hearing in that ear. Average growth is 1-2 mm per year, so depending on whether I’m “above or below average”, my “small” neuroma could soon be in the “medium” range and the pictures of tumor beginning to grow against the brain aren’t real appealing.  There are obvious advantages to doing surgery or radiation while the tumor is smaller.  Recovery is also easier the younger you are, not to mention the issue of acting while one has health insurance with a “pre-existing condition” in this uncertain environment. 

So back to the reason that I’ve decided to blog….  Now I have to make decisions and I’ve discovered that the road to choosing is as significant here to me as the final choice.  What would you do?  What role should faith in God play in the actions?