A Glimpse

Sorry for the delay in writing, I’ve been waiting to hear from my doctor to give you “official results”.  I did have my MRI last Monday morning, and while I haven’t heard from my doctor yet, I do have a glimpse of the results that I can share. 

For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure, MRI’s are noisy, but a piece of cake.  After the standard pre-appointment paperwork, proof of insurance and co-pay, I changed into some glorious scrub pants and a hospital gown.  A kind MRI technician got me comfortable on the sliding table and gave me a painless IV in prep for the “contrast images” toward the end of the MRI.   With ear plugs in place, the automated table slid me back into the hole of the giant donut. A carefully placed mirror allowed me to see both my sock feet and the technician in the adjacent room.  “You comfortable?” she asked over the intercom.  “This first set of images will be about 3 minutes.”  My first MRI lacked this type of play-by-play commentary and with such I did sort of lose track of time as the machine takes about 45 minutes to run through a series of  hums, clicks and knocks.  With about 10-15 minutes to go, the technician came in to inject the fluid “contrast” through the IV.  Some people note almost an immediate metallic taste in their mouth with the contrast, but I lack that particular genetic sequence and sense nothing.  A few more minutes of clanks and clicks and I was sent back to change into my street clothes. 

I dressed and had to go to medical records to request a compact disk of my MRI results.  “I can give you a CD, but they won’t include the radiologist report until for another day or two”.  “I understand, but would still like to have my images, thank you.” 

I, of course, have my images from January so knew that as soon as I could get to my computer, could do my own comparative review.  So what did I find?  I couldn’t find any difference in the tumor.  The new images seemed to be exactly like the previous images.  These tumors typically grow 1-2 mm per year, some more, some less.  I know the doctor will measure precisely and I’m quite curious to hear his report, but from my standpoint the tumor hasn’t changed.  That combine with the results from my hearing test are both wonderful news.  Not apparent growth and normal hearing – truly answers to prayer. 

I must admit, I was hoping that the tumor would be altogether gone – which would have clearly been a miracle healing.  As I’ve previously stated, I know such things happen – God is God after all and what a simple thing for him.  That said, I’m also convinced that no tumor growth and normal hearing are also clearly in the category of God’s work.  As I consider the difference between the tumor being gone and the tumor being stopped, God is no less with either.  The difference is my response, having a tumor leaves me the reminder that I am dependent on God’s on-going work in my life.  It’s true anyway, but we all too often take each breath and each beat of our heart for granted.  The tumor is one more reminder of need and dependence.  I want to be totally healed and totally comfortable, but know that with or without this tumor, it’s not going to happen this side of glory.  For now, we just get glimpses.  Both the glimpses of delight and joy and new or recurring troubles serve the same purpose, reminders that we’re not home yet. 

Gratitude

How am I doing?  What’s going on?

As many of you know, today was my follow-up doctor appointment.  I wasn’t able to get the MRI done today so didn’t get the real scoop on the tumor status, but I am scheduled for an MRI next Monday (6/18) and should hear results within a couple days.  Instead of an MRI, today’s appointment included interaction with the specialist and a new hearing test.  The specialist seemed pleasantly surprised that my symptoms had not changed since my original diagnosis.  He also reported that there was the potential that I could maintain “functional hearing” in my right ear, and while they didn’t really understand all the factors that influenced the result that the patient’s initial hearing strength was a more significant indicator than tumor size.  This was new information and certainly encouraging.   

Following the hearing test, the audiologist reported that while my right hear was slightly worse than my left, my hearing was within normal parameters for my age.  She asked about my symptoms and how I was originally diagnosed.  My only symptom was, and continues to be a slight pressure and slight hearing loss in my right ear.  The audiologist expressed her surprise that an MRI had originally been ordered and that it was very fortunate that it had been and that the acoustic neuroma had been caught so early.

I could complain about having to drive 45 minutes to this specialist, having to wait 20 minutes past my scheduled appointment time to get into the exam room, waiting another 10 minutes for the doctor to come and having to pay a $35 co-pay for a 7 minute interaction, BUT, I am grateful.  I am grateful to have access to health care that both found this relatively rare condition and offers options for dealing with it. 

Grateful is also the word I’d use to describe all the prayers and encouragement offered by friends and family.  Thanks to my brother-in-law and wife for spearheading and coordinating today’s day of prayer.  It’s humbling knowing that people are praying.  I certainly don’t feel worthy of the special attention and it’s hard to admit and ask for help.  Taya used SignUpGenius to organize today’s prayer and it brought another level of humbling gratitude.  There were expected friends and family, but there were also people that I haven’t interacted with in years and years – “a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith.”  I’m grateful that Christ binds us together, regardless of the various circumstances and paths that separate.   

So, how am I doing?  Regardless of the outcome of next week’s MRI, I am encouraged and grateful. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.       Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT)

Fishing

Some 17 years ago my father took me and my brother-in-law on a fishing trip to Sitka Alaska.  Except for some Colorado skiing, our family wasn’t outdoorsy, but my dad’s cousin has a charter boat there (www.sitkasecret.com) so we had some sense of security to go along with the adventure.  Except for getting sea sick my first day out on the water, my memories are fond as we caught fish and saw sights that just aren’t available in the burbs. 

A lot has changed in the last 17 years with kids and career, and in that time we had frequently talked about getting back Alaska to fish again.  This past week it finally made it happen, this time with my father and my son.  The timing seemed right as we anticipate Riker getting busy as he’ll be starting high school and summer football practice starting in a week.  Dad will turn 78 this summer and remains active and in good health, but as they say, none of us are getting any younger. 

The trip was great.  Sitka was largely how I remembered it.  The weather was decent and none of us got seasick!  There have been overall declines in the fish population resulting in tighter restrictions, but our 3 days on the boat still resulted in us catching our limit and ample quantity of salmon, halibut and rock fish.  With the catching, there was also “the waiting”…  On the last afternoon we had about a 3 ½ hour drought between fish.  You never know when fish will bite so you have to be diligent in watching for that certain jiggle in tip of the rod, and when it does, you have to act to be sure to set the hook.  The analogy was obvious, you never know when an opportunity might come and you do need to be intentional with what you’re looking for, where you’re likely to find it and what will raise the odds of attraction.  Even with all the right planning, you still have to stay diligent, expectant and hopeful.  What am I “fishing for”?  Am I doing my part or am I just feeling sorry for myself that fish haven’t just jumped into my boat?

The trip also brought a number of whale sightings, some at a distance and one that surfaced only 50 or so yards from the boat.  I was reminded of Jonah.  Of course we all know the childhood story where Jonah spends 3 days in the belly of a whale, but I really enjoyed reading the 4 short chapters of Jonah as am adult.  (I like the New Living Translation, a straight forward translation without the “thee’s and thou’s”.)  Jonah is a fascinating story.  First that God wanted Jonah to do something. God is God and can do anything, but somehow interacts with humanity where we play a role.  For whatever reasons, Jonah runs… he seeks to escape his calling, role and responsibility.  What’s great about the story is that God goes fishing… God pursues Jonah, He brings storms and involves others in his life that eventually lead Jonah to understand the err of his way.  He ultimately cries out to God.  That’s where we read the wonderful words that “The Lord had arranged for a great fish to swallow Jonah.”  Following, Jonah does fulfill God’s will for him, but has his own expectations about the outcome and ends up pouting that God’s did something different.  I thought the great fish was the miracle, but was pleasantly surprised to see that the later chapters included two other references to “the Lord arranging” other things to gain Jonah’s understanding and relationship. 

Wow, the Lord fishing for us, arranging things for our understanding, relationship and role in this world.           

Continuation

This past Friday was the 8^th grade awards ceremony and this coming Thursday is “Continuation”.    

Parents are notified in advance that their child will be recognized with an award, but for some reason, we are not told what the award will be.  The event is during regular business hours so some special effort is required for some parents to attend.  Parents sat in the bleachers while the entire 8^th grade class sat in folding chairs on the gym floor listening for their name from one of the teachers to recognize their special achievement or activities.  Not every student was recognized, but as expected, certain high achievers that got to walk multiple times for various certificates.  I was struck by the variety of academics, activities and achievements at the middle school level.  The final and most coveted award at Goddard Middle, at least for us hopeful parents, is for “Viking of the Year” which goes to just one boy and one girl who displayed extraordinary character and contribution.  I was sitting close to the parents of the girl who won Viking of the Year - their joy and pride was both understandable and palpable.  As we walked to our cars, some of the parents of the students who had received lessor certificates wondered if it was worth the time and effort.    

Continuation is this Thursday to commemorate that Riker and his classmates have finished middle school and will be in high school in a few months.  I have to admit I’ve been a little less than excited about the idea of continuation ceremonies.  While they certainly mark something, they aren’t a graduation which clearly marks the completion and achievement of something.  When did these continuation ceremonies start anyway?  I don’t think they happened when I was in primary school, but if they did, they weren’t meaningful enough for me to remember.  Even so, we want to be supportive so we will endeavor to subdue our cynicism and attend.    

As I’ve considered these events and the feelings about them, it seems much of my opinion is driven by my busyness – not so much whether these events are good or valuable by themselves, but relative to all of the other things on my “to do” list.  Ironically, I’ve come to the conclusion that these two events are just the kind of thing that is too often missing from my own life.  Both the awards and continuation ceremonies are opportunities to pause, just for a moment and look back and forward.  They recognize achievements and involvement but also indirectly highlight missed one’s missed opportunities.  It made me think that “working adults” could use some more ceremony where we honestly evaluate where we’ve been and where we’re going.  I suppose some of us do it a little around New Year’s or our birthdays, but I think there really is something to structure and formality.  Life is always a “continuation” and never really a “graduation”.  Riker has just finished high school registration and full of hope and excitement as he gets to choose his classes and extracurricular activities. 

Yes, the school context and structure makes this easier to do for a student, but I think we’d all benefit from jumping off our hamster wheels a little more frequently to take account of our progress and “register” for some activities that are more in line with where and who God wants us to be.  One last thought, sometimes God just knocks the hamster wheel over.   Blessings to you and yours!  

BTW, Happy Mother's Day Mom!  (I figure you might be the only one reading this...  <grin>)     

Uncertainties

I’ve recently been preparing for our upcoming quarterly office meeting. Like most companies, our typical agenda involves general updates on the state of the firm and the status of various initiatives and projects. As I prep for this next meeting, there seems to be a growing undercurrent of anxiety in the office regarding our future workload. Every design and construction company has the same challenge of continuing to find and win new work as current contracted work ends. The graph of how the efforts of current contracts end over time is often referred to as the “going out of business curve”. Unfortunately the recession has turned this figurative statement into something all too literal for many in our industry. Our firm is in a good position, but there is always a level of uncertainty about the future. My hope for the coming office meeting is to combat the negative and counterproductive speculation with accurate information that focuses us on doing what could and should be doing and rather than worring about the things out of our control.

Of course there are no shortages of other topics that have a similar sort of uncertainty. The economy (national and international), the upcoming election, the growing deficit, poverty, natural disasters, terrorism, the environment, health/disease, our family members and our interpersonal relationships are all topics fraught with uncertainties. I think it is important to be aware of uncertainties as they can fuel wise action, but we have to guard against being consumed by them.

If we don’t acknowledge the uncertainty and fragility of things, our “certainty” can become a huge risk and blind spot. Do you remember all the publicity around the predicted Second Coming of Christ about this time last year? While I would have welcomed it to be true, I didn’t subscribe to May 21, 2011 being the date (Matt 24:36). Even so, I was intrigued with the reports of what those who did believe the certainty of the dates and what they had done in approach of “the end”. I read of one man who quit his job and took on debt to take his family to see the Grand Canyon. Another used his life savings to rent billboards to warn and encourage repentance. As I considered the stories I had an awkward mix of pride and humility. I was glad that I had not been so foolish but at the same time questioned if I was living with intention and conviction. Was I making time to spend quality time with those I love while I have the time? Did my checkbook reflect my beliefs? What’s the balance of living like there might not be a tomorrow (since there might not) with wise preparation for the future?

Jesus focused on these questions about the future, uncertainties and how we should live in chapter 24 & 25 of Matthew. I’d encourage you to read it, but my summary of what Jesus is saying to us is; “Don’t panic, endure and pray. Know that you’ve been entrusted with important relationships and resources. Be willing and able to accept the responsibility to manage, invest and feed rather than assuming someone else should & will do it. Be ready and prepared for different possibilities and potentials. Focus on helping those in real need, rather than focusing on yourself and your own little world.”

I’ve got a long way to move these words into action, but I’m more and more convinced that all our uncertainties are a call to trust God first, act faithfully to help others second and worry about ourselves last.

Good and Simple

I was recently talking to a friend about how his eldest son would soon be graduating and heading off to college.  He said how he wished he had more time to spend with his son.  His desire did not seem to be about regret as he spoke fondly of the time and activities they had spent together, nor was it about the need for more time to parent/train/educate his son for “the real world” - the energy was a simple desire for more relationship.  He talked with pride about how his son had made pretty good choices and seemed to be as interested in hanging around him and the rest of family as his high school friends. 

What he expressed was wonderful, but was also unfortunately odd to me as it seems a majority of teenage kids aren’t that interested in spending time with their parents (and visa versa).  While most might “love each other”, I suspect a combination of different schedules, agendas and interests lead them to indifference and ultimately some level of rebellion as the kid &/or parent are more interested in doing their own thing than working to nurture relationship.   

My friend also mentioned that as parents they intentionally reinforced a simple Gospel message to his kids; “that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  He went on to say that we Christians (and churches and parents) are quick to complicate the Gospel with all kinds of rules that turn people off and drive them away.  The Gospel means “good news” that should bring true joy and freedom, but it is too often reinforced as layers of do’s and don’ts that bring judgment and guilt.    

I know the first part of my friend’s simple Gospel statement to be true, but I’ve struggled a bit with the second.  Does God want me to be happy?  I would agree that he wants what’s best for me and also that I be joyful, but happy?  I suppose I might be nitpicking semantics a bit, but have ultimately reconciled the statement by thinking about my own kids.  I certainly want them to be happy, but I don’t always support their own expressed convictions about what they think they want or need to be happy.  I want the best for them and at times will let them be “unhappy” about something for both their own good and the good of those they will interact with in the future.  No one likes a narcissistic brat, no matter what age. 

My friends comments are challenging to me as a father and as an adopted son of God.  How simple is the Gospel and what do I believe?  How do I parent?  Riker starts high school in a few months and I know those years will pass quickly.  Does he know of my love and desire for more time and depth of relationship?  Does he know I want the very best for him?  Does he know that he has freedom to make good choices and that I want him to reap the benefits from the good rather than the difficult consequences of the bad?  Does he know I’ll always love and forgive him no matter what?  Does he know the extents that I’ll go for him – both to bless him and when needed discipline him for his own good?  Does he know the same of his Heavenly Father?  Do I?  If we really knew and believed it, what all would be different? 

The truth is that I know, but that I'm quick to forget and need reminders.  I got another today as Taya and I helped in Tirza’s Sunday School class.  The story was of Jesus having dinner with Mary and Martha and how Martha missed the opportunity for relationship because she was busy and distracted (Luke 10:38-42).  The message for the kids was “Jesus wants to be your friend” – another good reminder and candidate for a good and simple statement of the Gospel. 

Stories of Healing

Since my diagnosis there are a few specific passages that have emerged in my questions about what God wants for me and from me.  As you might expect, they relate to the topic of healing.  While I’d love to just “claim God's promise of health (and wealth),” I just don’t find it in the Bible to claim.

The poster child example against health and wealth for me is found in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul speaks of his requests that God heal his “thorn in the flesh.”  God’s repeated answer to Paul was “No, my grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness”. 

Even with this truth, I’ve been challenged by the passage.  It indicates Paul made 3 specific requests.  Why 3 and why not something like “prayed about it every day for a year?” I sense the answer has something to do with honestly and earnestly making the request in light of a connection with our full need and God’s full power.  I think I’ve let myself be in that place just a handful of times in my life with the first and foremost when I humbled myself to accepted Jesus death and resurrection to forgive my sins.  That place of raw need and dependence is scary.  For my tumor so far, I think I’ve been quick to concede the situation to “God’s will” as it has some sense of “spiritual maturity” and doesn’t require much depth or feeling from me. 

While God told Paul “no” after 3 earnest requests, Mark 5:24-34 tells the story of a woman who suffered and sought solutions from doctors for some 12 years before being healed by quietly touching the hem of Jesus robe as he passed by.  How many times had she prayed?  In the end, it seems it wasn’t about words, it was that she put her belief that “Jesus can” into action by quietly drawing near to him.

Another story I’ve been thinking about is found in Matthew 8:5-8 where a Roman soldier comes to Jesus on behalf of a servant who was “paralyzed and suffering terribly”.  The Bible says that Jesus was amazed by his faith and that the servant was healed that same hour.  I love this story because it’s not about the servants faith, it’s about “faith on behalf of”.  The Bible talks about the gift of faith and while I am a believer, am not sure how strong my faith is.  This story is a great encouragement for me – both my situation and as an encouragement to continue to pray for others as well. 

With Easter tomorrow, it’s only appropriate to point out the ultimate story and promise of healing.  Just today I happened to read 2 Corinthians 4:14-5:10 which tells of our sharing in the resurrection and our new bodies.  It starts with “We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.”   (Click to read on…)