Uncertainties

I’ve recently been preparing for our upcoming quarterly office meeting. Like most companies, our typical agenda involves general updates on the state of the firm and the status of various initiatives and projects. As I prep for this next meeting, there seems to be a growing undercurrent of anxiety in the office regarding our future workload. Every design and construction company has the same challenge of continuing to find and win new work as current contracted work ends. The graph of how the efforts of current contracts end over time is often referred to as the “going out of business curve”. Unfortunately the recession has turned this figurative statement into something all too literal for many in our industry. Our firm is in a good position, but there is always a level of uncertainty about the future. My hope for the coming office meeting is to combat the negative and counterproductive speculation with accurate information that focuses us on doing what could and should be doing and rather than worring about the things out of our control.

Of course there are no shortages of other topics that have a similar sort of uncertainty. The economy (national and international), the upcoming election, the growing deficit, poverty, natural disasters, terrorism, the environment, health/disease, our family members and our interpersonal relationships are all topics fraught with uncertainties. I think it is important to be aware of uncertainties as they can fuel wise action, but we have to guard against being consumed by them.

If we don’t acknowledge the uncertainty and fragility of things, our “certainty” can become a huge risk and blind spot. Do you remember all the publicity around the predicted Second Coming of Christ about this time last year? While I would have welcomed it to be true, I didn’t subscribe to May 21, 2011 being the date (Matt 24:36). Even so, I was intrigued with the reports of what those who did believe the certainty of the dates and what they had done in approach of “the end”. I read of one man who quit his job and took on debt to take his family to see the Grand Canyon. Another used his life savings to rent billboards to warn and encourage repentance. As I considered the stories I had an awkward mix of pride and humility. I was glad that I had not been so foolish but at the same time questioned if I was living with intention and conviction. Was I making time to spend quality time with those I love while I have the time? Did my checkbook reflect my beliefs? What’s the balance of living like there might not be a tomorrow (since there might not) with wise preparation for the future?

Jesus focused on these questions about the future, uncertainties and how we should live in chapter 24 & 25 of Matthew. I’d encourage you to read it, but my summary of what Jesus is saying to us is; “Don’t panic, endure and pray. Know that you’ve been entrusted with important relationships and resources. Be willing and able to accept the responsibility to manage, invest and feed rather than assuming someone else should & will do it. Be ready and prepared for different possibilities and potentials. Focus on helping those in real need, rather than focusing on yourself and your own little world.”

I’ve got a long way to move these words into action, but I’m more and more convinced that all our uncertainties are a call to trust God first, act faithfully to help others second and worry about ourselves last.

Good and Simple

I was recently talking to a friend about how his eldest son would soon be graduating and heading off to college.  He said how he wished he had more time to spend with his son.  His desire did not seem to be about regret as he spoke fondly of the time and activities they had spent together, nor was it about the need for more time to parent/train/educate his son for “the real world” - the energy was a simple desire for more relationship.  He talked with pride about how his son had made pretty good choices and seemed to be as interested in hanging around him and the rest of family as his high school friends. 

What he expressed was wonderful, but was also unfortunately odd to me as it seems a majority of teenage kids aren’t that interested in spending time with their parents (and visa versa).  While most might “love each other”, I suspect a combination of different schedules, agendas and interests lead them to indifference and ultimately some level of rebellion as the kid &/or parent are more interested in doing their own thing than working to nurture relationship.   

My friend also mentioned that as parents they intentionally reinforced a simple Gospel message to his kids; “that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  He went on to say that we Christians (and churches and parents) are quick to complicate the Gospel with all kinds of rules that turn people off and drive them away.  The Gospel means “good news” that should bring true joy and freedom, but it is too often reinforced as layers of do’s and don’ts that bring judgment and guilt.    

I know the first part of my friend’s simple Gospel statement to be true, but I’ve struggled a bit with the second.  Does God want me to be happy?  I would agree that he wants what’s best for me and also that I be joyful, but happy?  I suppose I might be nitpicking semantics a bit, but have ultimately reconciled the statement by thinking about my own kids.  I certainly want them to be happy, but I don’t always support their own expressed convictions about what they think they want or need to be happy.  I want the best for them and at times will let them be “unhappy” about something for both their own good and the good of those they will interact with in the future.  No one likes a narcissistic brat, no matter what age. 

My friends comments are challenging to me as a father and as an adopted son of God.  How simple is the Gospel and what do I believe?  How do I parent?  Riker starts high school in a few months and I know those years will pass quickly.  Does he know of my love and desire for more time and depth of relationship?  Does he know I want the very best for him?  Does he know that he has freedom to make good choices and that I want him to reap the benefits from the good rather than the difficult consequences of the bad?  Does he know I’ll always love and forgive him no matter what?  Does he know the extents that I’ll go for him – both to bless him and when needed discipline him for his own good?  Does he know the same of his Heavenly Father?  Do I?  If we really knew and believed it, what all would be different? 

The truth is that I know, but that I'm quick to forget and need reminders.  I got another today as Taya and I helped in Tirza’s Sunday School class.  The story was of Jesus having dinner with Mary and Martha and how Martha missed the opportunity for relationship because she was busy and distracted (Luke 10:38-42).  The message for the kids was “Jesus wants to be your friend” – another good reminder and candidate for a good and simple statement of the Gospel. 

Stories of Healing

Since my diagnosis there are a few specific passages that have emerged in my questions about what God wants for me and from me.  As you might expect, they relate to the topic of healing.  While I’d love to just “claim God's promise of health (and wealth),” I just don’t find it in the Bible to claim.

The poster child example against health and wealth for me is found in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 where Paul speaks of his requests that God heal his “thorn in the flesh.”  God’s repeated answer to Paul was “No, my grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness”. 

Even with this truth, I’ve been challenged by the passage.  It indicates Paul made 3 specific requests.  Why 3 and why not something like “prayed about it every day for a year?” I sense the answer has something to do with honestly and earnestly making the request in light of a connection with our full need and God’s full power.  I think I’ve let myself be in that place just a handful of times in my life with the first and foremost when I humbled myself to accepted Jesus death and resurrection to forgive my sins.  That place of raw need and dependence is scary.  For my tumor so far, I think I’ve been quick to concede the situation to “God’s will” as it has some sense of “spiritual maturity” and doesn’t require much depth or feeling from me. 

While God told Paul “no” after 3 earnest requests, Mark 5:24-34 tells the story of a woman who suffered and sought solutions from doctors for some 12 years before being healed by quietly touching the hem of Jesus robe as he passed by.  How many times had she prayed?  In the end, it seems it wasn’t about words, it was that she put her belief that “Jesus can” into action by quietly drawing near to him.

Another story I’ve been thinking about is found in Matthew 8:5-8 where a Roman soldier comes to Jesus on behalf of a servant who was “paralyzed and suffering terribly”.  The Bible says that Jesus was amazed by his faith and that the servant was healed that same hour.  I love this story because it’s not about the servants faith, it’s about “faith on behalf of”.  The Bible talks about the gift of faith and while I am a believer, am not sure how strong my faith is.  This story is a great encouragement for me – both my situation and as an encouragement to continue to pray for others as well. 

With Easter tomorrow, it’s only appropriate to point out the ultimate story and promise of healing.  Just today I happened to read 2 Corinthians 4:14-5:10 which tells of our sharing in the resurrection and our new bodies.  It starts with “We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.”   (Click to read on…)

Spring Break

No blog last week as the family got away for spring break.  It was my first trip where I left my smart phone at home and disconnected technologically - a great decision.  You might know the saying that “vacation with kids isn’t vacation, just life somewhere else”, but this one was especially enjoyable and provided some good perspective on things. 

Thanks again for the many thoughts, words and prayers.  I’m often asked how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.  My only physical sensation is a very slight pressure in my right ear like I have a little water in there after a shower or swimming, but it’s so slight that I often forget about it.  My mental and emotional “sensation” is pretty calm and peaceful about the whole thing.  I am thankful that it is relatively minor compared to many other diagnosis and that it is not especially urgent.  At this point, I plan to get another MRI done in June.  I’ve got a business trip in April and a fishing trip with my father and my son in May and don't want to do anything medical until those are past. 

I think the medical waiting has been good for now as I continue to wrestle with God’s interaction in this world on the macro and micro scales, and what the related faithful response looks like day to day & moment to moment.  Spring break has brought some fresh perspective on these.  

We got to spend some time on the beach and the waves and sands are a blessed reminder of God’s consistency, power and mystery - things to be both reverenced and enjoyed. 

Back in Colorado we’ve also enjoyed warm weather and early signs of spring.  I’ve been reminded of the well-known verses in Ecclesiastes 3, “for everything these is a season…” And those verses are much easier to digest with the hope of spring as new life is quite evident in blooming trees and flowers.   The weather has also allowed for our early yard work including the needed trimming and clean-up.  Taya did the lion share of pruning back the rose bushes this year while I took the electric trimmers to some overgrown shrubs.  We cut away the dead, damaged and overgrown to make way for the new.  While we don’t have any grapevines, it’s still an applicable reference to John 15 where Jesus speaks of being the vine and we being the branches.  God is the loving gardener.  It’s a bitter sweet reference of course. 

What does this season bring and what should we do?  I love the word picture and clues given in John 15 – abide in Christ’s love, be filled with joy and love each other.  Have a blessed spring!        

Star Trek

I love Star Trek.  I appreciate the adventure, the clean modern aesthetic, the effortless technology, the battles - whether fist or phaser and, of course the occasional romance.  Being St. Patrick’s Day, I can’t go on without also mentioning the dancing green-skinned alien…  which is a perfect segue to my beautiful wife.  I must admit that Taya is the true “Trekkie” of the family and that my appreciation has grown over time by association.  While our basement boasts a couple cardboard cut-outs of the show’s characters and a few shelves of various Trek paraphernalia, our biggest public testimony of affection is found in our son’s first name, Riker.  I figured his peers would not likely know the reference and he would be spared that brand of harassment and Taya and I were willing to accept any such from our peers as a sort of Klingon badge of honor.

Like most things, our active commitment varies with the exposure to the material.  While still appreciated, the original series grew tired as each episode was rerun and rerun.  The Next Generation series brought a number of questions to us Trekkies;  was it authentic?  Were you “cheating on” the original series by watching the new? Could a true Trekkie enjoy both and would this divide “the faithful”?  While it took some time to work through these issues and get to know the new characters, my answer to these questions was an acceptance of the new series and subsequent movies because they supported the key fundamentals that fed my delight. 

What does this have to do with a tumor?  Nothing and everything I suppose.  While everyone loves a good story or movie to escape and distract for a time, I’m especially attracted to Star Trek because it shows a fulfillment of some very attractive ideas.  Through technology, wit and a little physical strength, everything can be neatly solved in either a 60 minute episode or a most a 2 hour movie.  There are no mysteries that can’t be solved and there is little dependence on anything outside of one’s control.  I love all of those ideas, but they are sadly far from the truth.  While Star Trek boasts that through human effort we will have a future of greater independence and freedom, my experience is pointing to just the opposite.  Human effort does some good, but plenty of bad as well and that I am largely dependent on things out of my control.  It’s not comfortable to admit, but I have to look no farther than the beating of my heart and each breath I take – humbly dependent in this world. 

I do love technology, wit and strength, but trying to learn to shift my trust and acknowledge some greater powers.  “Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.”       

Tests

Tests reveal both what you’ve got and what you’re lacking.  

I’ve always been pretty good at test taking, well at least the formal ones I see coming in advance.  My motivation and fuel for performance is some blend of showing that “I’ve got what it takes” and avoiding the various consequences of poor results.  Both categories are full of social reinforcements… i.e. "what would others think?"  While I naïvely assumed and hoped that most of life’s tests would end with graduation,  I know that they have just switched from the formal scheduled ones to those that sneak up on you when you least expect it. 

These “pop life tests” are so much less clear in content, duration and potential consequence, but often so much more important than the academic variety.  While the specifics and timing vary by individual, I think the categories of life’s tests seem fairly universal; academic, relational, financial, health, etc, etc.  What’s even trickier is life’s tests aren’t always hardship, they also sneak up on us in blessings.  My marriage and children are such examples for me.  And the tests just seem to keep coming, you get through something and here’s something new.  Being “middle aged”, you’d think I’d know to not be surprised, but I still am. 

A few weeks ago our pastor talked about when Satan tested Jesus (Luke 4:1-15).  Not even God's own son avoided tests, trials and temptations.  I’m sure you know the story, but I wanted to share how this passage has informed and challenged my “tumor test” thinking.  Perhaps there is something here for your current test as well.

Test #1 – temptation to “gain relief” as quickly as possible & in our own power (verses 2-4).  Jesus was hungry and certainly had the power and perhaps even “the right” to turn a stone to bread, but instead deferred the immediate physical gratification to acknowledge a deeper spiritual reality.  I must admit that my first response to learning of my tumor was to “act now and think / feel later”.  I wanted to "fix it" and "kill it" asap, without much consideration of the costs.  The complexity of the situation obviously slowed me down a bit and that in turn has given me this opportunity to consider how many other things in my life I address the exact same way.  Deferring relief, feeling and pondering aren’t my strong suits, but there is something to be gained by slowing down to more vulnerably consider options, opportunities and consequences.   

Test #2 – temptation to not trust God (verses 5-8).  Satan offers Jesus “glory and authority” over the kingdoms of the earth if Jesus would honor and “trust in him”.  Revelation makes it clear that Jesus will ultimately have all glory and authority on earth, but Satan’s lure is that this could be had “right away” and thus avoid reliance on the Father, the pain and suffering of the cross and waiting for God’s perfect timing.  For me, Satan isn’t so blatant that I should “trust in him”, but I must admit I am quick to want to trust in modern medicine and modern technology to “solve my problem”.  I believe that God can and does use such to heal, but the core question still remained, what (who) am I really putting my primary trust and hope into in this situation? 

Test #3 – temptation of testing God (verses 9-12).  This is a big one and interesting that it follows the test to trust God.  Satan uses scriptural truth to encourage Jesus to force God to show and prove himself.  While I don’t expect many people have been tempted to jump off some high place to have God prove himself by saving them, I do know we’re all tempted to somehow test God.  “God if you’re real and really all powerful and all loving, then do this or do that.”  For me, I know God acts in this world and also believe he heals.  I can point to scripture and people where he has healed.  While he can, he doesn’t always – at least not in the way we might expect or desire.  God is God, and while he has and does go to great lengths to show his love for me (us), he doesn’t need to prove himself and I should not put him to the test for such either privately or publically.  I am reminded of my children; I don't have to prove my power or love for them by giving them something.  I love them regardless and sometimes that love is manifest in giving and sometimes the loving thing is saying no or not now.            

Through all the various tests, both personal and the ones we see in the Bible, I find a consistent lesson; they exist to encourage me to turn my heart to God in humble dependence and in praise.  Unfortunately, I’m a slow learner and my first response too often falls short (very short).  Even when I think I learn, I quickly forget.  Thank God for his forgiveness, grace and patience.

(BTW, thanks for everyone’s encouragement and prayers.  I’ve also been asked about updates – my intent is to post new entries on the weekends.  I’ve also added a “gadget” that by putting in your address, you’ll get an email anytime I have a new posting so you don’t have to keep checking.  All the best to you and yours.)

Out there

Why is Patrick blogging?  In short, I’m wrestling with something and have been impressed that I should share my concerns and considerations more broadly.  I have mixed aspirations for this blog; to inform on what’s going on, to request your advice and prayers and, lastly, to hopefully provide some level of encouragement to the various trials we all face.

This story started around Thanksgiving when I sensed a cold coming on.  Weeks later I thought the cold had settled into my right ear as an infection and the day after Christmas I went to my doctor.  He didn’t see anything and 4 days later I saw an ENT doc.  My hearing test indicated some loss in the lower ranges and the ENT doctor thought it was likely the result of an infection that had since cleared, but as a precaution sent me for an MRI.  2 weeks later I learned the good news that I do, in fact, have a brain (surprised?) and the bad news that I also have a benign tumor in my inner ear.  That ENT informed me that the complication was in its location being close to the brain and that I’d need to see a specialist that was a cross between an ENT and neurologist. 

I would have to wait one month for that appointment and during that time I didn’t want to share with anyone.  I needed more information, I needed to process.  It was (is) a strange combination of sorrow, lack of control and embarrassment, but whatever this new problem was certainly personal… private. 

Taya (my wonderful wife) and I met with the specialist on February 13^th. We learned that that I have a small acoustic neuroma (about 1.3 cm).  A good short explanation with pictures showing a small, medium and large tumor can be found at http://anausa.org/index.php/what-is-acoustic-neuroma.  If left alone it will grow, take my hearing and begin to impact my balance and my facial nerve.  The good news is that it’s definitely benign and that I have some choices.  The bad news is that all the medical choices involve losing the hearing in my right ear sooner or later.  While losing hearing in one ear obviously isn’t the end of the world, the doctor did say that with just one ear you lose the ability to sort sounds between what is close and what is farther away so it’s harder to discern a close conversation in a noisy environment.  (Taya teases me that I only hear half of what she says anyway, so as long as she’s on my left will there be any difference or do I now have a medical excuse for selective listening?)   

In short, there are 3 medical options; monitor (aka wait), operate or radiate.  Surgery would remove the tumor, but because of the tumor location I would lose my hearing right away and the specialist said I would feel like I was “hit by a truck” because my balance would be so impacted that I should expect 2-3 months of recovery.  There are also the various risks of an involved surgery including anesthesia, infection, facial nerve paralysis, CFS leakage, etc., etc.  Targeted radiation is a quick non-evasive procedure without special recovery.  The radiation would cause the tumor to develop scar tissue over a number of months and it would stop growing.  Since the blood supply to my ear travels in the same location as the tumor, it too would scar and I would lose hearing.  Apart from hearing loss and leaving a “rock in my head”, the long term risks of radiation risks are less clear but involve the remote potential of triggering a cancerous tumor.  The advantage of monitoring the tumor is to potentially prolong hearing in that ear. Average growth is 1-2 mm per year, so depending on whether I’m “above or below average”, my “small” neuroma could soon be in the “medium” range and the pictures of tumor beginning to grow against the brain aren’t real appealing.  There are obvious advantages to doing surgery or radiation while the tumor is smaller.  Recovery is also easier the younger you are, not to mention the issue of acting while one has health insurance with a “pre-existing condition” in this uncertain environment. 

So back to the reason that I’ve decided to blog….  Now I have to make decisions and I’ve discovered that the road to choosing is as significant here to me as the final choice.  What would you do?  What role should faith in God play in the actions?